A classic example of just mashing together two completely-unrelated words into a hideous car crash of linguistic sub-genre agony. Mind you, what else would you expect from people running a club night called ‘Get funked’? It’s not even trying, is it?

Ok, so this is cheating a bit, ‘cos bossalicious grooves isn’t really a genre in its own right, but there’s something so smugly irritating and lounge-funky about the word ‘bossa-licious’ that it should serve as a warning to all those involved with mid-tempo, chilled-out breakbeat club nights You tossers.

Affluent house is presumably richer in beats and phonkin’ basslines than regular house. Flagrant nonsense.

Ham-fisted attempt at describing eclecticism by drawing on sweet flavours. Strawberries and oranges aren’t even tropical fruits, as any fule kno. Tropical fusion – irritating nonsense that sets the tone for the rest of their half-arsed descriptions.

Classic Shoreditch. If you have to ask the date or the venue, you’re not cool enough. Likewise, if you’re not clued in to what plunderphonic wonky electro, 8-bit booty madness or today’s prizewinning turbo spazz rave sounds like, you most likely don’t deserve even to own a pair of ears.

World music from another world is bad enough, but ‘sack-headed theatrical doom’ is right out of the top drawer. I can’t even begin to think how sack-headed theatrical doom differs from regular theatrical doom. Answers on a flyer…

It’s hardly going to make the top ten of ridiculousness here on Centaurgy, but ‘skabilly’ is a decent effort at using basic portmanteau skills to create something with a whiff of the ludicrous from well-established basic ingredients.

More than a gig, it’s a place for establishing and defending hierarchies, apparently. Mere music alone will not do justice to such lofty ambitions, so here we have an evening of new neurotic realism, made by the joylessly pretentious for the pretentiously joyless.

Where do you start? Percussives mutualisM, perhaps? New jack tribal walls? Or the disgustingly pretentious capitalisation? I hope no one went to this gig, and if they did, that they all had a REALLY BAD TIME.

Murky filth is apparently a genre no longer confined to the stinking cesspools of the Glasto loos. Twisted Techno Dancehall is stupid too. And Sizzling Dancehall Hybrid Scene. ARGH!